we had a fight again 2 days back. a huge one! i dont remember fighting so badly in the recent times. its the same old issues again. the inevitable topics that i constantly nag him about. i must have really tested his threshold. it went from bad to worse. i remember resolving all fights before going to bed, be it 2 in the morning. this was tougher, more so because i am no more alone at home. yet we managed to pacify each other.

i have drilled it into my head not to start venting my frustration in this manner. i just cannot understand why and how i can cause him so much pain when he is a part of myself! i do have the habit of inflicting pain on myself. could be this behavior thats making me do this cruelty. no matter how much i tell myself not to do this, i end up aggravating him. its high time i mend my ways...or its going to be bad for both of us.

i am creating a record of this so that i remember how nasty, bad, selfish, and wicked i was. when i come back to this again after 1-2 years, i should be able to laugh at myself and look back and feel that i have been really good to him.

it was the loveliest of evenings...the weather was just perfect...not warm nor too cold. but cold enough to want to snuggle inside the blanket with the love of ur life...thats when i met this distressed swan. he was crying in pain. his loved one was not with him. she was taken away into another shelter that night. it was more than he could bear. he longed for her, to feel her warm white fluffy feathers against his own...he wanted to coo softly to her. he refused to eat that night and kept calling out to her...and sitting in her den, she heard his cry and she quietly shed tears. she consoled herself, he is just one night away...they would be together again when the sun shows up...and then they would swim and frolic in the lake warmed by the glowing sun...

Dec 25th, 2005

its a delight see those swans smoothly gliding over the water. i really need to learn swimming. it is absolute joy to watch them swim. the effort of their webbed feet pedaling the water is not obvious at all from above. i wonder when and how they make love!! while in the water or while they r on the shore? hahaha

What is love!!!

There will be many definitions. Though, one wonders whether most of us experience it even once in our lifetime. This even when love can come to us from so many corners; from parents, relatives, friends, and of course, a 'beloved'. This beloved is so interesting a word--A person of opposite (or same!?!) sex, who is much loved. Haha. This is going in circles.

I am trying to define love. And I will not try to do it in one sentence. Here is a list of what love may be, may consist of, may encompass.

• Its a feeling, and most would want it to be mutual
• Its a state of mind
• Attraction
• Desire, to be together, physically mostly
• Sacrifice
• Comfort
• Anguish, especially when away, Longing
• A smile on the face, mostly at odd hours, and mostly for no apparent reason

Should children really go to school? I would hate to send my child to school. There r multiple other ways of learning. They could be trained at home, taken out with peers and taught things. But who has the time for all that?

I remember watching a program on Nat Geo. it was about tattoos. Remember seeing tattoo being made on a small boy...making designs on his face and body by chipping away parts of his skin. Even after he grows up, the design would remain and that would be his proof of belonging to his tribe. It could save him from future attacks from other friendly or hostile tribes.

The child was soaked with blood and crying in pain. It would be at least a week before he is normal again. The child’s mother was absolutely calm about this. Many of us would think this is gruesome and heartless thing to do to a child. But she doesn’t want him to face any difficulties in the future because he doesn’t have this particular tattoo. It is very crucial for him to BELONG to the tribe and will aid him in finding the best mate.

Most of us leave our small children, who can’t even talk for themselves, at daycare centers with people whom we haven’t even met or known before. To that tribal mother this would seem gruesome and heartless. I cannot but agree with her. If I had a child, I wouldn’t want him to go to any of the so-called schools around or the daycare. I don’t trust any of them. I wont let them tamper my child’s thought process.

The most satisfying moments of my life have been when i made my parents happy. It takes so little to make them happy. Perhaps the only love that can be unconditional. Feel really happy to hear someone talk about their parents.
That reminds me-- gotta call mom!!

Its been a great day so far.
But larger questions of life still haunt me. Talent and energy without direction. That is how i feel.